Random Thoughts / Scribbles / The Kelsie Project

The Sadness Loop

I’m sad and that makes me uncomfortable. When this happens I get…panicked. I search for a distraction. It usually doesn’t work.

But damn I get points for consistency. Here’s what almost always happens:

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I get frustrated that I can’t focus on my distractions,

then I’m mean to myself, I bully my inner child into a corner, and then I get frustrated at myself for being mean to myself, for being sad,

& all situations I’ve experienced or the criticism I’ve been dealt that RESULTS in me getting angry for being sad,

then I feel bad for myself because HEY that shit sucked. [Think back to when you weren’t allowed to hang out with a friend because her mom got freaked out you were on antidepressants. Think about how that stigma still hangs over you ]

– and when you take your meds everyday you look at yourself (at them) in the mirror INDIGNANTLY as if to say, FUCK YOU I do this for ME and it’s none. of. your. Goddamn. business. (And definitely don’t acknowledge the fact that by letting shit affect you so much you are pretty much making it their. Goddamn. business)

Then you get sad again. And nothing has been accomplished.

This is the Sadness Loop.

Repeat until a better, more dramatic emotion comes along that temporarily overpowers the loop. (Anger, Compare Self to Others, Jealousy, Hopelessness are among my favorites, but choose the one that best fits your needs. If none of the former are available, you can always just drink.)

And nobody sees it happening, but it’s there…. in endless cycles in your head.

How do you break the sadness loop? Well…”Dealing kindly with my emotions” has, as you can see, not been part of my process so far.

But what I’m trying to work on is:

You stop thinking. You get out of your Overly Analytical Convoluted Thought Place, which is the part of the brain that causes you to catastrophize situations, compulsively worry, assume everyone has bad intentions and form these feedback loops of negative emotion in your head,

& [most importantly]

You be sad and you be okay with it.

You don’t wallow – you say, “Self, I love you and I acknowledge that you are sad. I’m not going to judge you or try to Figure It Out. I accept your emotions and I embrace them. I know that with [time/sleep/food/sometimes mostly it’s just time/whatever you need] you will get through this.”

And slowly, with permission from yourself, you’re okay again.

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Try not to get stuck in the loop.

-K

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One thought on “The Sadness Loop

  1. Pingback: That Moment When You Get to Name Your Monster | The Kelsie Monster

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